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1.
I watched the sky tear clear in half made a wish on the rift it left I watched the hopes and crops reduced to ash Heard the optimists denial and the madmen thump their bibles While the opportunists shake me down for cash There's an eerie calm between the panic and the bombs Behind every devastated set of eyes I see a joke Me, I feel ok knowing I can't outlive my fate No matter how much I don't drink or I don't smoke Some folks focus on the countdown some try to put out fires Some freaks with sticky fingers are breaking down my door Take everything I have, take my life there's not much left I always knew that I'd die drunk and poor I'm sitting on the sofa I had dragged out to the roof Just trying to finish one last pre-game and my final bag Before I get erased by the karma or the waves Or disintegrate in the shock from the impact Some folks throw out their repression some head straight for the confession The patient break the rules and the tools play nice Well me, I cause no trouble drink until I see double That way I can see the whole thing happen twice Yea I've got problems but we've got bigger problems And the drinking gets me thinking that I'm fine Yea I've got problems but we've got bigger problems Sometimes it helps to smile at your demise
2.
I woke up this morning with a couple complications Blood vessels in my eyes burst, my heart had palpitations Had to rearrange my atoms around a broken valve To get the blood flow to the muscles or at least to the fat Had I taken just a second to measure my resources I’d have lost myself to doubt I doubt I’d ever have resurfaced This is not a problem its another sunrise toxic This is waking up and these days it’s a process The sheets became a noose I was trapped and I was retching Something came loose and I was astrally projecting Into the ether I stared down at my body lying in the dust and My fried and filthy soul recoiled and fled in pure disgust You put me to shame you are good at bad decisions You can stick the landing of a freefall with precision But I can make an impact leave a crater shatter boulders With my bones I am a black hole and you’re a super nova Maybe you and I are the right kind of tragic Maybe you can’t break me because I’m just another habit I am a disaster and you’re my favorite kind of trouble My body is a temple please reduce the thing to rubble I lack basic understanding of nearly everything you do but Something’s gotta kill me and I’d like it to be you I choose you I choose you I choose you
3.
We met like ends justified by our nosey friends insistence we find someone She shook my hands and gave my fingers a crack lifted my wallet but then brought it back Things snowballed from there animal passion anime hair trapped by our archetype Feelings unfair and deadlines in mind is love really fair or a label contrived But there are weddings to attend friends to pretend so they don’t call in weeks asking us how we’ve been I have pills to help me sleep appearances to keep and mounting obligations none of which are cheap In a rush in a scene in a headlock she squeezed the life out of me she took my heart She sold it on the street for a couple of bucks but she bought me a beer Now I’m all what the fuck and why not? She puts me down puts it out we’ve got careers to ride out and her sick sick mother who worries for her daughter’s health Lest she has a man to save her from herself and she thinks that I fit that bill and I don’t know what she’s on about There’s a sense there’s a scream there’s my innocence stuck with a gleaming blade and bleeding out But my affairs are more or less in a line and you should see the size of our joint bank account I’ve got friends to outlive, eulogies to give, and a persistent misery I’ve known since I was a kid
4.
I watched you wade into the water with a smile on your face You were dancing in the waves Seemed like another perfect day Then a pretty big wave came and swept you away You drifted off into the distance and I tried to build a raft It wasn't ship-shape it was sad Then I thought about my dad I was not to try and fix things, we could hire a man for that Then I thought about your dad and how he always wished he'd had A son Wind picked up a little conditions worsened like they will Waves reared up like drunkards Sparring feelings they can't kill With currents and the chaos you were pretty still I abandoned my intention with that quest I couldn't hack Drifted with the detritus Haven't looked back I ain't since seen my reflection but I'm sure it's looking bad I realized a few years too late that I loved you You realized that I didn't in a fraction of the time If I'd have been anybody else it's a safe bet I'd have handled this better But let's ignore my neuroses and Blame the weather
5.
Yea the stress is killing me but it was worse when I did nothing The loneliness suffocates but it's better than sharing a bed But I can do better I can I kind of have to don't I? I can do better I can My future is bright and blinding and filled with regret The only thing I know for certain is one day I'll be dead But I can do better I can That's not saying much I can do better I can Better at what? I am who I am and I'm not who I wanted to be I like what I like and I don't like me

about

Recorded in my bedroom on a little Tascam 8-track. Written in class when I should have been taking notes and recorded when I should have been studying. "Where was I?" because "Where the hell have I been for a decade?" just doesn't roll off the tongue so well.

credits

released May 6, 2016

Thanks to Bryce Chamberlain for help with Equalizing on tracks 1, 2, and 4.

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Paul Harris/Help, I'm self-aware! Chicago, Illinois

Paul Harris is uncomfortable writing about himself in third person. He's uncomfortable writing about himself in general, really.
You'd think, given the sheer number of social media outlets, job applications, and dating sites for which he has had to fill out similar descriptions over the years, he would have grown accustomed to the process or drafted some kind of form bio by now. No such luck.
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