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about

Recorded in my bedroom on a little Tascam 8-track. Written in class when I should have been taking notes and recorded when I should have been studying. "Where was I?" because "Where the hell have I been for a decade?" just doesn't roll off the tongue so well.

credits

released May 6, 2016

Thanks to Bryce Chamberlain for help with Equalizing on tracks 1, 2, and 4.

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Paul Harris/Help, I'm self-aware! Chicago, Illinois

Paul Harris is uncomfortable writing about himself in third person. He's uncomfortable writing about himself in general, really.
You'd think, given the sheer number of social media outlets, job applications, and dating sites for which he has had to fill out similar descriptions over the years, he would have grown accustomed to the process or drafted some kind of form bio by now. No such luck.
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Track Name: Our impending extinction has really put my drinking problem in perspective.
I watched the sky tear clear in half made a wish on the rift it left
I watched the hopes and crops reduced to ash
Heard the optimists denial and the madmen thump their bibles
While the opportunists shake me down for cash

There's an eerie calm between the panic and the bombs
Behind every devastated set of eyes I see a joke
Me, I feel ok knowing I can't outlive my fate
No matter how much I don't drink or I don't smoke

Some folks focus on the countdown some try to put out fires
Some freaks with sticky fingers are breaking down my door
Take everything I have, take my life there's not much left
I always knew that I'd die drunk and poor

I'm sitting on the sofa I had dragged out to the roof
Just trying to finish one last pre-game and my final bag
Before I get erased by the karma or the waves
Or disintegrate in the shock from the impact

Some folks throw out their repression some head straight for the confession
The patient break the rules and the tools play nice
Well me, I cause no trouble drink until I see double
That way I can see the whole thing happen twice

Yea I've got problems but we've got bigger problems
And the drinking gets me thinking that I'm fine
Yea I've got problems but we've got bigger problems
Sometimes it helps to smile at your demise
Track Name: Damn the algorithm that matched us.
I woke up this morning with a couple complications
Blood vessels in my eyes burst, my heart had palpitations
Had to rearrange my atoms around a broken valve
To get the blood flow to the muscles or at least to the fat

Had I taken just a second to measure my resources
I’d have lost myself to doubt I doubt I’d ever have resurfaced
This is not a problem its another sunrise toxic
This is waking up and these days it’s a process

The sheets became a noose I was trapped and I was retching
Something came loose and I was astrally projecting
Into the ether I stared down at my body lying in the dust and
My fried and filthy soul recoiled and fled in pure disgust

You put me to shame you are good at bad decisions
You can stick the landing of a freefall with precision
But I can make an impact leave a crater shatter boulders
With my bones I am a black hole and you’re a super nova

Maybe you and I are the right kind of tragic
Maybe you can’t break me because I’m just another habit
I am a disaster and you’re my favorite kind of trouble
My body is a temple please reduce the thing to rubble

I lack basic understanding of nearly everything you do but
Something’s gotta kill me and I’d like it to be you
I choose you
I choose you
I choose you
Track Name: We met like ends
We met like ends justified by our nosey friends insistence we find someone
She shook my hands and gave my fingers a crack lifted my wallet but then brought it back

Things snowballed from there animal passion anime hair trapped by our archetype
Feelings unfair and deadlines in mind is love really fair or a label contrived

But there are weddings to attend friends to pretend so they don’t call in weeks asking us how we’ve been
I have pills to help me sleep appearances to keep and mounting obligations none of which are cheap

In a rush in a scene in a headlock she squeezed the life out of me she took my heart
She sold it on the street for a couple of bucks but she bought me a beer
Now I’m all what the fuck and why not?

She puts me down puts it out we’ve got careers to ride out and her sick sick mother who worries for her daughter’s health
Lest she has a man to save her from herself and she thinks that I fit that bill and I don’t know what she’s on about

There’s a sense there’s a scream there’s my innocence stuck with a gleaming blade and bleeding out
But my affairs are more or less in a line and you should see the size of our joint bank account

I’ve got friends to outlive, eulogies to give, and a persistent misery I’ve known since I was a kid
Track Name: Blame the Weather
I watched you wade into the water with a smile on your face
You were dancing in the waves
Seemed like another perfect day
Then a pretty big wave came and swept you away

You drifted off into the distance and I tried to build a raft
It wasn't ship-shape it was sad
Then I thought about my dad
I was not to try and fix things, we could hire a man for that

Then I thought about your dad and how he always wished he'd had
A son

Wind picked up a little conditions worsened like they will
Waves reared up like drunkards
Sparring feelings they can't kill
With currents and the chaos you were pretty still

I abandoned my intention with that quest I couldn't hack
Drifted with the detritus
Haven't looked back
I ain't since seen my reflection but I'm sure it's looking bad

I realized a few years too late that I loved you
You realized that I didn't in a fraction of the time
If I'd have been anybody else it's a safe bet I'd have handled this better
But let's ignore my neuroses and
Blame the weather
Track Name: Go Me (I hate that guy)
Yea the stress is killing me but it was worse when I did nothing
The loneliness suffocates but it's better than sharing a bed

But I can do better I can
I kind of have to don't I?
I can do better I can

My future is bright and blinding and filled with regret
The only thing I know for certain is one day I'll be dead

But I can do better I can
That's not saying much
I can do better I can
Better at what?

I am who I am and I'm not who I wanted to be
I like what I like and I don't like me